the highs and lows of math

every tuesday evening i am in a math course. i enrolled to get math to the level i need, in order to apply for a new study next year.

let me tell you, the emotions i go through in 4 hours are like a rollercoaster ride.

i come in, anticipating "what will the evening bring?"... "will i be able to understand?"
(last time i felt devasted after leaving class cause i had not understood a single thing the teacher said, so obviously i was bound to feel a little nervous and some anticipatation about tonight)

the teacher then starts off where he ended last time

...i am on the edge, i wanna understand...
he quickly moves on to something totally different and a slow panic starts to arouse within me...

BUT i am keeping calm trying to focus, concentrate
(trying to remember what a friend told me....RELAX, if you panic you will never get it!!)
...i am getting to the point of tears, because i just don´t get it. if i don´t control myself i will actually start crying...

i keep telling myself to calm down and focus,
while i also keep telling myself i dont get it, i dont get it i dont get......

and then suddenly out of the blue i start understanding as we do the exercises, and i then desperately hold on to the knowledge, writting down like crazy not to forget, practising on the monster calculator (TI89) and still trying to follow the teacher.

i mean seriously it´s a mayor brain work out, i am completely wasted after those four hours, my brain is in cramps and i am thinking why the hell am i doing this???

but you know somehow it´s satisfying to get it and then to be smarter that way:-) though it´s a hard and tough road...(could you hear the preacher in that???:-))